Like a good God would say work full time all week with one day off and then on your day of rest get up early and get dressed for church. At church you can sing along like a barrage of dismembered cat banshees. Don’t forget to pay God. He helped you get that job and you should be grateful to him. His “servants”/useless workers have to eat and pay bills. So if you want to get smoke blown up your ass on Sunday don’t forget to tithe and give a donation matching the gratitude of your heart.
As your pastor I will demonize those who differ from you because they are needy and useless to me, while complimenting you on your awesome work ethic. Don’t forget that an offering is different than a tithe it can be commensurate with your joy. Love your neighbor and try to convert them to our right sect of Christianity. Criticize and scrutinize their lifestyle by calling them sinners and offer the only remedy, the Bible interpreted your way, direct them to obsess over their salvation and tell them that their thoughts are wicked. Make salvation allusive so that they don’t really understand that they are wasting their life defending a God that no one has ever seen. Approve of them only when they commit to tithing and even then gossip about their lifestyle choices. Tell them you love them but make sure they know it’s conditional like Gods love and, like God, if they don’t love you in the way they want send them to a place of torment with no remedy.
Make sure you are in church to take communion because we don’t want to waste Christ’s blood. You must think good thoughts while drinking the blood of your savior. He wouldn’t have died if you didn’t sin so now fess up you’re complicit in his bloodshed. Admit that you wanted this feeble sack of skin crucified because the truth is no one can love such a miserable prude as Jesus.
For my Catholic audience: buy shit the church makes and pray to it. It’s more effective in erasing sin than confessing to a priest. But in order to blackmail you it’s not as useful.
In addition to what you give the clergy make sure you help the poor with your money because what you pay the church is not for the poor. Spend every breath you take in communication with God because you are a worthless loser who can’t manage to live off poverty wages and also, screw your daily coffee because you should be using every penny you make to help your noble clergy. Also, next Saturday we will be renovating the church so stop by and bring your sledgehammer. You can help pay for the pizza if the Lard so moves you.
Please prey for the pastors spouse because she has cancer. Make your face look pained and full of righteous indignation while you prey. Jesus likes to see that you mean it.
